Wednesday, September 16, 2009

College Application Essay (Journal#10)

*Boston University-Any topic I want to talk about

(Topic: Special Moment in Life, may change later on has life goes by)


Everyone has a special moment in their life that happend to them. Either first love, being able to surf for the first time, or when a woman has her first child. For me, my special moment was in Feburary 2009. It was the Oahu Interscolatic Association (OIA) Junior Varsity Girl's Basketball Championship.


I was on the Moanalua Na Menehunes Girl's Basketball team. It had been a long a stressful season. Our record was 11-1, eleven wins, one lost. That one lost was a put down in the our season, but went looked pasted it and ended up becoming the OIA East Champions, by flipping a coin since we weren't the only team with a record of 11-1. They were the Farrington Governors. The one team that was the hardest to beat. Now, we were going to face them again. This time, for the top, to become the champions of the OIA Junior Varsity Girl's Basketball Teams.


It was Feburary 9, 2009, 7:00 pm. The game was held at Moanalua High School, so we had a home court advantage. The crowd was the biggest crowd we ever had all season, with family and students coming out and supporting us, it was all up beating. Hearts pounding, nerves shaking, and getting to the point of becoming champions. As the game was ready to begin, my teammates and I were ready to defeat the Governors and so were they. This was the game that showed who was at the top. Since both teams lost to each other, it was now the tie breaker.


With three mintunes left in the fourth quarter and our team losing by 8 points, we knew that it was time to push our selves. Our coach called a timeout. He told us that if we really wanted this, we had to show it because no one was just going to give it to us. With those words in our head, we told each other, we have to push, and that is exactly what we did. With three mintunes running down, we were able to get 11 points on the board. Once it came down to the finally mintune, we knew that we had to keep the lead. No mistakes, no bad passes, no fouls, nothing. Just keep the ball in play and let the clock run down.
The last ten seconds was the longest seconds I have ever been in. With the ball keep going out of bounce and timeouts being called, it took forever to run down. With Farrington having the ball and down by three points, all they needed was a three pointer and they would win. What we had to do was keep them from scoring. We did all that we could, keeping our hands up to not cause any fouls. Now clock running down to three seconds Farrington having the play worked, the last shot being at the three point line, as the shot go up, all we could hope was that it misses. You hearing the crowd counting down, three, two ,one. When the buzzer hits zero, and the shot was missed, we knew at that moment we won! We where the 2009 OIA Junior Varisty Girl's Basketball Champions! With the crowd running onto the court shouting and cheeering. This has been the greatest moment in my life, for me. Even till this day I can remember every detail that happend that game.

2 comments:

  1. Hey Samara,

    This essay really got me pumped and full of suspense. For example, "With the ball keep going out of bounce and timeouts being called, it took forever to run down", I felt like I was one of the fans cheering. The details and "REALNESS" made it realistic for me. One thing though that I really want you to do is surprise your audience, and let them find out what is happening. When you said "This has been the greatest moment in my life, for me. Even till this day I can remember every detail that happend that game", you are sort of telling the reader instead of letting them feel it instead. Telling us those things sort of decreases the centimental value of that event in your life. Also, I personally think that the first paragraph can go. You need to add details about the game, "show not tell", and make your story flow. In the fourth paragraph, you jump immediately to the fourth quarter, but the paragraph before it talks about how the team was ready before the game even started.

    Jonas

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  2. Hi Samara,

    This was a good story, and it brings back all the memories for me. Unfortunately I wasn't really focused on the game that night if you remember. haha but I especially like the very end of the essay because that's where there's most of the details and emotions. Try to make it sound like that through out the entire piece. If I were you I would change the narraration a little bit, like at the top of the last paragraph I would change it to "there were three mintunes left in the fourth quarter and we were losing by 8 points, we knew that it was time to push our selves. When our coach called a time out we ran over to him with our hearts pounding and he said to us..."
    Also there are some grammatical errors.
    But otherwise good essay, great conclusion.

    - benchwarmer :] lol

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