Dear Department of Education,
I am a sophomore at Moanalua High School. I have been living in Oahu, Hawai'i for 15 years, my whole life, and what I would like to say is that i love it here! There is nothing that would make me change my mind. Although to my understanding, the school year has become longer by cutting down the breaks that we have between each quarter and semester. And now, with furlough Fridays, the school year has become shorter again.
After doing some research, I came across that Hawai'i is ranked 46th in the nation in academics. To me, that is a horrible thing. I would like for Hawai'i to at least be ranked in the top 20, but that will not happen if students are not able to enhance all the materials that teachers are giving us. I my self, is having a hard time with my education. Before I was at least getting a GPA of 3.0 or higher, but yet this school year I haven't been able to get to a 3.0. This year as become harder for me, not just because of all the sports I play, but also how furloughs have taken an effect on school days.
With shorter school weeks, I realized that I have to have a better time managing schedule. This past quarter, my school only had four days of school for the whole quarter. This made it harder this quarter to maintain my grades. I feel that everything is being rushed and that I need to catch up with everything. This may help me in the future when entering into the real world, where everything is all business, but for now, I am asking that if furlough Fridays could be ended so that Hawai'i's students are able to understand what they are learning. Also, maybe Hawai'i would be able to rank higher in academics.
Sincerely,
Samara Hoe
Hey Samara
ReplyDeleteYour essay talks about having a cut in school days due to furloughs which is a very good point. However you might want to focus on that point of having furloghs a little more. Maybe adding a comparison of your grades last quarter with the ones now. Maybe not the actual grades but may be the GPA.
You also say you want hawaii to be in the top 20 of academics. May be you should includde some exampls of ways to get there such as cutting down the extended summer and change them into possible school days or cutting out these furlough fridays.
Other then that your essay has a good poit kind of similar to my letter! Good luck
Austin
HEYY,, good job Samara!
ReplyDeleteI love how your letter sounds and how your voice comes through. They can tell it's a real person-- sincere & not fake.
Definately good points because my GPA is the same story :[[
Also good research with the nataional rank.
I think you should try to clean up your letter a little bit with the organization by having clear subtopics for each paragraph. For your grammar and spelling I found a couple of things. One is "I my self, is having a hard time with my education." This doesn't sound right-- change is to am.
Okayyy good luck! Hope we end Furloughs, I was happy about them at first but now it's too crazy. haha,
<3 Kirsten
Hi Samara,
ReplyDeleteYou have some good points to make in your letter. However, you need, as always, to support them with specific examples.
You do give an example about your GPA, but you need to *show* how your learning is being affected through more than a GPA. What skills are difficult for you to master with the shorter school week? What subjects and what assignments would have been easier and more successful with more time?
I would also recommend you drop the part about the longer school year in the introduction. It doesn't really advance your focus and it just confuses the issue.
mrs s