Carried by one, cared by all
With family all around me
Pleasing their needs and dreams
As I please, I find
Something I love
Could it be?
A passion I want to reach
Watching family do it to
Everywhere I go, the love for it grows
Gracefully dancing my way to the top
Chanting my voice out so everyone can hear
Moving to my own rhythm, no one else's
Could it be? My love for hula?
Nicely done poem! It flows very nicely together. I like your use of words in the poem. However there could be some minor changes in the second paragraph. Im not sure who you are comparing youself to so maybe for people like me who dont know much abouit hawaiian gods or godesses you should add a little more detai about who this person is. Other then that very wee writen poem. KEEP IT UP!
ReplyDeleteSamara! :)
ReplyDeleteGoood job on your post!
First of all, great choice of your goddess because in the poem and i can hear you but at the same time Hi'iaka.
There are some grammer errors which you can easily fixed like "Watching family do it to" (too).
Your word choice was done well as you wrote about your passion for hula. For example,
"Gracefully dancing my way to the top
Chanting my voice out so everyone can hear
Moving to my own rhythm, no one else's"
There are some part you can find other words because it sounds weird. In the first part you said pleasing and please. Try thinking of another word for please.
Also i suggest you changed some lines because the sentence fluency is not there yet.
For example,
"As I please, I find"
"Everywhere I go, the love for it grows"
Also i find it awkward to have the question "Could it be?" twice in the poem.
But other than that i liked the poem and illusion itself!
Good job!
<3 daphnejayne
Hi Samara,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your teammates that you have selected a good allusion :) And I think they have made good suggestions for improvement. Daphne is correct on the spelling correction. I also agree with her on the lines she's recommending you change. I don't agree on the "could it be" though...I think that repetition is okay :)
My recommendation is that you add in a few more details about Hiiaka (Austin had a good point about fmailiarity with Hawaiian myth) and a few more details specifically about yourself. Right now, the poem seems more about the goddess and it actually should be about you.
good luck on the revision and the graphic!
mrs s